DeTomaso Mailing List: April 98, Message #1155

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In a message dated 98-04-21 16:20:26 EDT, chuck@lw.net writes:

<< 
 So. Got your pencil? Points can be totaled at the end of the quiz. A car
 achieving 100 points or more has character. Those with fewer than 100
 should
 be sold as soon as possible, unless you actually enjoy a car without
 character. Some do. Here goes:
 
 1. If your car's overall design represents the vision of just one man who
 is
 now dead, but who once struck terror, dread and/or awe into the hearts of
 his
 employees, give yourself 50 points.
 
 2. If you feel compelled, at the time of purchase, to buy a 300-page
 Official
 Factory Shop Manual to go with your car, give yourself 25 points.
 
 3. Fifteen points if the car comes with a useful tool kit.
 
 4. Twenty points more if the tools are ever actually needed to fix the car;
 10 more if it's raining or snowing when this happens.
 
 5. If your car can be loaned out to another person with less than 15
 minutes
 of careful instruction on its peculiarities, deduct 20 points.
 
 6. If you died suddenly and no one else on earth would be able to start
 the car or keep it running, give yourself 75 points.
 
 7. Fifty points for any chassis and/or body with more than 25-percent
 wood  content. Another 10 if it already has termites, carpenter ants or
 dry rot, and 20 bonus points if the door actually comes off in your hand.
 
 8. Forty points for wire wheels. Ten more for "unsafe" knockoff spinners
 with ears.
 
 9. Deduct 200 points for wire-wheel hubcaps; 50 off for "bolt-on" wire
 wheels.
 10. If your car, or one very much like it, ever won its class at Le Mans or
 in the Targa Florio or Mille Miglia, give yourself 100 points.
 
 11. Fifty points for SU or Weber carburetors. If it has three or more,
 add another 20. If your carburetors are located above the distributor
 and you never carry a fire extinguisher, give yourself 50 points for
 hubris.
 
 12. Fifty points more for carburetors with velocity stacks and no air
 cleaners; 
 25 points more if the velocity stacks protrude from the bodywork.
 
 13. Seventy-five points extra if any of  the words "Halibrand," "Judson," 
 "Shorrock" or "Offenhauser" appear anywhere on or in your car.
 
 14. Award yourself 200 points if the car is French. You deserve it.
 
 15. If replacing the clutch requires that the entire engine and
 transmission
 be 
 pulled, give yourself 50 points.
 
 16. If you would rather commit suicide than do another clutch job, give
 yourself  
 an added 50 points and call E-Type Owners' Hotline.
 
 17. If the valve adjustment procedure is so arcane that you are
 contemplating 
 selling the car rather than either adjusting the valves yourself or paying 
 to have it done, award yourself 40 points. If you have to go out of state
 or 
 cross a time zone for this or any other form of basic maintenance, add 40
 more.
 
 18. Fifty points for any car with a Laycock de Normanville overdrive unit.
 Ten
 more if you just love to say "Laycock de Normanville" aloud, apropos of 
 nothing, in the checkout line at the supermarket.
 
 19. Seventy-five points for any car whose engine heat causes passengers to 
 request you let them off early, near "a friend's house" or a phone booth.
 
 20. Automatic 100 points for any air-cooled car. Twenty-five more if the
 leaking 
 heater boxes give you a carbon-monoxide headache, and a bonus 10 if the fan
 
 belt makes a right-angle turn from the crankshaft pulley. Air-cooled cars  
   
 with swing axles located ahead of the engine get another 50, and 20 more if
 
 they have roof damage.
 
 21. Give yourself 30 points if you have to spell the name of your car more
 than three      times to your insurance agent over the phone, and then it
 still shows up spelled wrong on your insurance contract.
 
 22. Collect 50 points if your car has Brooklands windscreens, but subtract
 100
 points if you put them on an inappropriate car, such as a Datsun B210 Honey
 Bee.
 23. One point for every "Lift-the-Dot" snap that doesn't line up with any
 visible grommet on your weather equipment.
 
 24. If, on the roadside, you are brought to your knees, exhausted, by a
 convertible top that will not stretch far enough to reach the
 "Lift-the-Dot"
 snaps, give yourself 40 points. Forty more if it's raining. Ten-point bonus
 if
 you are on the Dan Ryan Expressway at night.
 
 25. One hundred points for side curtains, and 50 more if they billow out
 and
 scoop in whatever weather they were intended to help you avoid.
 
 26. Thirty points for either a crank-handle starter, a vestigial
 crank-starter
 hole through the radiator, or a starter button under the clutch pedal.
 
 27. Deduct 500 points for any car whose door window glass does not go all
 the
 way down on the rear passenger doors. Then write a letter to the company
 and
 ask what they were thinking.
 
 28. One hundred points for having a large American station wagon instead of
 a
 minivan or a sport-utility vehicle. Fifty more for "Vista-Cruiser" roof
 windows or a rear-facing jump seat.
 
 29. Fifty points for any car that has more than 40 bhp for each inch of
 tire
 width.
 
 30. If your car's engine designer grew up within 300 miles of the
 birthplace
 of Giuseppe Verdi, give yourself 100 points.
 
 31. If your car is, or ever was, the fastest production car on earth, add
 another 100 points.
 
 32. If a fighter pilot of any nationality might have driven your car, or
 one
 like it, to an airfield during the Battle of Britain, give yourself 100
 points. If he wasn't able to get to the airfield because of "gudgeon-pin"
 failure or the malfunction of any Lucas electrical component, add another
 100.
 
 33. Fifty points if your car was driven in a movie-or in real life-by Steve
 McQueen, James Dean, Clark Gable or Jacques Tati.
 
 34. Twenty points if your Official Factory Shop Manual recommends
 "decoking"
 the cylinder head at intervals of less than 1,500 miles.
 
 35. If you come out of a movie at night and accidentally try your keys in
 another car that looks just like yours, subtract 500 points. This has never
 happened to a car with character.
 
 There, that should do it. Add 'em up if you'd like, but you probably
 already
 know the answer. Personally, I've had-and still have-a few cars that would
 do
 well on this little quiz, as you might expect, given that the point of any
 test is to make the author feel smart and look good. But I've owned a few
 that
 would hardly score at all. Offhand, I can't remember what they were, and I
 don't have any pictures of them to remind me. Didn't take any.
 
 Maybe that's the only test that counts.
 
 If you've purposely taken pictures of your car, give yourself 500 points. A
 hundred more if they're taped to the wall above your word processor or
 carried
 in your wallet. Equal points if you have no pictures because your hands are
 always too dirty to handle a camera.
  >>


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From: "chuck" <chuck@lw.net>
To: "Carrie Embleton" <carrie_embleton@wellesley.mec.edu>,
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Cc: <911@porschefans.com>
Subject: from the ferrari list...
Date: Tue, 21 Apr 1998 16:15:37 -0400
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Subject: Quiz "Does your car have Character?" (long)

This is hilarious!! Author's name is Peter Egan...

So. Got your pencil? Points can be totaled at the end of the quiz. A car
achieving 100 points or more has character. Those with fewer than 100
should
be sold as soon as possible, unless you actually enjoy a car without
character. Some do. Here goes:

1. If your car's overall design represents the vision of just one man who
is
now dead, but who once struck terror, dread and/or awe into the hearts of
his
employees, give yourself 50 points.

2. If you feel compelled, at the time of purchase, to buy a 300-page
Official
Factory Shop Manual to go with your car, give yourself 25 points.

3. Fifteen points if the car comes with a useful tool kit.

4. Twenty points more if the tools are ever actually needed to fix the ca=
r;
10 more if it's raining or snowing when this happens.

5. If your car can be loaned out to another person with less than 15
minutes
of careful instruction on its peculiarities, deduct 20 points.

6. If you died suddenly and no one else on earth would be able to start
the car or keep it running, give yourself 75 points.

7. Fifty points for any chassis and/or body with more than 25-percent
wood  content. Another 10 if it already has termites, carpenter ants or
dry rot, and 20 bonus points if the door actually comes off in your hand.

8. Forty points for wire wheels. Ten more for "unsafe" knockoff spinners
with ears.

9. Deduct 200 points for wire-wheel hubcaps; 50 off for "bolt-on" wire
wheels.
10. If your car, or one very much like it, ever won its class at Le Mans =
or
in the Targa Florio or Mille Miglia, give yourself 100 points.

11. Fifty points for SU or Weber carburetors. If it has three or more,
add another 20. If your carburetors are located above the distributor
and you never carry a fire extinguisher, give yourself 50 points for
hubris.

12. Fifty points more for carburetors with velocity stacks and no air
cleaners; 
25 points more if the velocity stacks protrude from the bodywork.

13. Seventy-five points extra if any of  the words "Halibrand," "Judson,"=
 
"Shorrock" or "Offenhauser" appear anywhere on or in your car.

14. Award yourself 200 points if the car is French. You deserve it.

15. If replacing the clutch requires that the entire engine and
transmission
be 
pulled, give yourself 50 points.

16. If you would rather commit suicide than do another clutch job, give
yourself  
an added 50 points and call E-Type Owners' Hotline.

17. If the valve adjustment procedure is so arcane that you are
contemplating 
selling the car rather than either adjusting the valves yourself or payin=
g 
to have it done, award yourself 40 points. If you have to go out of state
or 
cross a time zone for this or any other form of basic maintenance, add 40
more.

18. Fifty points for any car with a Laycock de Normanville overdrive unit=
..
Ten
more if you just love to say "Laycock de Normanville" aloud, apropos of 
nothing, in the checkout line at the supermarket.

19. Seventy-five points for any car whose engine heat causes passengers t=
o 
request you let them off early, near "a friend's house" or a phone booth.

20. Automatic 100 points for any air-cooled car. Twenty-five more if the
leaking 
heater boxes give you a carbon-monoxide headache, and a bonus 10 if the f=
an

belt makes a right-angle turn from the crankshaft pulley. Air-cooled cars=
  
  
with swing axles located ahead of the engine get another 50, and 20 more =
if

they have roof damage.

21. Give yourself 30 points if you have to spell the name of your car mor=
e
than three      times to your insurance agent over the phone, and then it
still shows up spelled wrong on your insurance contract.

22. Collect 50 points if your car has Brooklands windscreens, but subtrac=
t
100
points if you put them on an inappropriate car, such as a Datsun B210 Hon=
ey
Bee.
23. One point for every "Lift-the-Dot" snap that doesn't line up with any
visible grommet on your weather equipment.

24. If, on the roadside, you are brought to your knees, exhausted, by a
convertible top that will not stretch far enough to reach the
"Lift-the-Dot"
snaps, give yourself 40 points. Forty more if it's raining. Ten-point bon=
us
if
you are on the Dan Ryan Expressway at night.

25. One hundred points for side curtains, and 50 more if they billow out
and
scoop in whatever weather they were intended to help you avoid.

26. Thirty points for either a crank-handle starter, a vestigial
crank-starter
hole through the radiator, or a starter button under the clutch pedal.

27. Deduct 500 points for any car whose door window glass does not go all
the
way down on the rear passenger doors. Then write a letter to the company
and
ask what they were thinking.

28. One hundred points for having a large American station wagon instead =
of
a
minivan or a sport-utility vehicle. Fifty more for "Vista-Cruiser" roof
windows or a rear-facing jump seat.

29. Fifty points for any car that has more than 40 bhp for each inch of
tire
width.

30. If your car's engine designer grew up within 300 miles of the
birthplace
of Giuseppe Verdi, give yourself 100 points.

31. If your car is, or ever was, the fastest production car on earth, add
another 100 points.

32. If a fighter pilot of any nationality might have driven your car, or
one
like it, to an airfield during the Battle of Britain, give yourself 100
points. If he wasn't able to get to the airfield because of "gudgeon-pin"
failure or the malfunction of any Lucas electrical component, add another
100.

33. Fifty points if your car was driven in a movie-or in real life-by Ste=
ve
McQueen, James Dean, Clark Gable or Jacques Tati.

34. Twenty points if your Official Factory Shop Manual recommends
"decoking"
the cylinder head at intervals of less than 1,500 miles.

35. If you come out of a movie at night and accidentally try your keys in
another car that looks just like yours, subtract 500 points. This has nev=
er
happened to a car with character.

There, that should do it. Add 'em up if you'd like, but you probably
already
know the answer. Personally, I've had-and still have-a few cars that woul=
d
do
well on this little quiz, as you might expect, given that the point of an=
y
test is to make the author feel smart and look good. But I've owned a few
that
would hardly score at all. Offhand, I can't remember what they were, and =
I
don't have any pictures of them to remind me. Didn't take any.

Maybe that's the only test that counts.

If you've purposely taken pictures of your car, give yourself 500 points.=
 A
hundred more if they're taped to the wall above your word processor or
carried
in your wallet. Equal points if you have no pictures because your hands a=
re
always too dirty to handle a camera.


=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D
PorscheFans 911/912 Message
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